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[Dec. 21st, 2007|05:03 pm] |
So it has been far, far too long & right now really isn't the best time to be procrastinating in way of an emotional outpouring, but somehow it just seems like the right time.
Often I've thought I should try to write in here more often, particularly whenever I feel an enormous build-up of nervous energy that I don't feel anybody really deserves to be the victim of.
And right now this energy is particularly negative, the slipping away from rationality I've always had & loathed & feared, & now it's back with a vengeance, sliding away from me, a loss of discipline & sensibility quite in inverse to the gain in everything else on my person.
I want to tell him all of the time how much I miss him, & I tell him some of the time in ways which I hope are nuanced enough that I don't create an unnecessary fuss. And then he calls & I'm so overjoyed to hear his voice & to know he even exists that the deep sense of loss I feel is immediately flooded over by a transient sense of euphoria -- & then it does really seem that I created an unnecessary fuss to begin with. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2007|05:05 pm] |
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My fingertips are holding on to the cracks in our foundations, & I know that I should let go but I can't. Oh, emo-baby! I said I'd rather be with your friends, mate, cos they are much fitter. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2007|09:32 pm] |
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| |  distressed | ] |
I'm so disappointed in my exam results. And so tired, so lethargic all of the time.
I feel like the soul's been sucked out of me.
It was that last kiss that did it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2007|04:42 am] |
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It's no fucking wonder the standards of the service industry in this country are so bloody appalling. The next time my supervisor takes my $50 tip I'm going to file a lawsuit. She can treat me like the shit on her hideous shoe for all she likes; at least I can speak the English language, & I have a future ahead of me, far further than her own dead-end life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2007|04:30 am] |
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| |  bored | ] |
This blogging malarky really doesn't seem to be up my street; I can't ever really think of anything to write about that anyone would even be remotely interested in, & I'd rather not indulge my lovelorn loneliness online either. But I will potter on with this as a sort of side-project I suppose, just to pose a minor distraction from the compulsions of Facebook.
I decided to put aside the non-fiction temporarily; I thought I'd force myself to read a bit of Jane Austen, but I really couldn't deal with female narratives focused primarily on the marriageability of English bachelors, having myself suffered the same irreconciliable dilemmas for an entire academic year. Hence:
CURRENT READING
Which is a fairly different kettle of fish from:
PREVIOUS READING
The Mao biography was a bit of a bitch to get through -- I reckon I'd been reading it since March, at least -- but the last couple of chapters absolutely flew by, once I'd gotten my bearings. It turns out that everything we'd been taught at O level History's a sham. Which brings me to: how can I ever be sure that I'm not being completely conned by those sources I'd always consider to be completely authoritative & legitimate? The niggling doubt always persists that really nobody can be trusted at all, & yet I'd rather still try to believe everyone's telling the truth anyway.
And finally -- 'Cross' by Justice is a genius album of v. complex sounds. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2007|04:26 pm] |
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It just doesn't feel quite the same. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2007|09:04 pm] |
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| | listless | ] |
Home I be, be I home?
It's fucking sweltering -- I don't remember ever being this uncomfortable in the humidity, but this is what a couple of months in Manchester does to you. It's been absolutely brilliant being with Mum again, & Dad (although he's yet to sight the body-art), & seeing Fio tomorrow & soon Rod & Zee & Amar will I'm sure help me to ease back into the Far East. (Sah Sah Sah, where art thou..?)
Of course, I left a large part of my heart behind, but there's only the flimsy hope that the 2nd year will allow me to retrieve it.
Still, I've glued my Happy Face on with litres of perspiration & grime; here's to a good summer & to a reasonable workload when I start my teaching in <1 month. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2007|08:44 am] |
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| |  nervous | ] |
Dot-to-dot was absolutely brilliant. We only saw Kate Nash & the Cribs in the end -- or at least that's all I can remember actually partaking in -- as we spent the rest of the time in a spliff-lit haze & running back & forth between 2 venues in the Nottingham rain. We started drinking at one in the afternoon, upping our Vitamin C intake with vodka Orangina at breakfast. Thereafter, the vodka travelled with us, decanted into 2 convenient mineral water-bottles.
Some very productive vintage shopping: I now have a Travelling Hat, a new men's shirt, a pair of navy canvas boat shoes, & a gold bracelet (a present from the lover). Several 5-finger discounts were also snagged, all of them blamed on me in the hours following the deed. Although really, taking the specials blackboard from the last bar we were in was Dave's idea.
He had the 2 apostles, James & Ed there; first time I'd ever met the latter, but all the boys were lovely & it wasn't nearly as intimidating as what I'd imagined. Somebody had a camera, but I'm not sure who. I am sure, however, that I am wasted in all of those photos, so even if I ever see those again I'm not sure they're suitable for public viewing.
Development on Tuesday wasn't too difficult after all, but it's political thought tomorrow, which I'm absolutely dreading. But -- Trof at 4 with Dave. Purportedly a meeting to 'discuss deep philosophical issues'. I might slip in a line or 3 about my dream from 2 nights back that he's really an alien with no capacity for emotion.
'I met a girl, & she only eats peas.' |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 26th, 2007|04:38 pm] |
The development exam on Tuesday is a minor consideration. We'd planned to head to Nottingham at the buttcrack of dawn tomorrow morning (after my all-nighter at the Warehouse Project), but it looks like we might be leaving tonight now, for a mid-Monday return.
I'm enjoying this new-found spontaneity in life... Not particularly enjoying the forthcoming trauma of sitting for exams having come off the back of a full-day festival & a 3+-hours train journey.
What can you do, when infatuation drives you to the ends of the earth?? I'm just so pleased he invited me along. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2007|11:42 am] |
It's really annoying me that I'm getting up far too early in the morning for me to sustain a reasonable state of alertness through the morning -- waking up at 6am for no reason is simply unacceptable, particularly as I need a nap by the time 11am rolls round. At any rate, I'm going to have to make the trek down to the library later, for a change of scenery if nothing else. The Mancunian weather's decided it's going to be absolutely gorgeous today, which will only mean I'll be entirely distracted looking out the window whilst in the library.
I really need to wean myself off this man, for no other reason than that a momentary state of rationality has led me to draw the conclusion that it's only going to lead to tears. Going back home in a couple of weeks never seemed too soon, & now it does. The disparity between home & 'home' seems like it's going to haunt me for the 2 years to come. And the more I consider the exchange to HK, the more I'm questioning it as well.
Might be headed out tonight with the flat, which is really the last thing I need, considering I'm out tomorrow night as well for the Warehouse Project with Sal. And Sunday night..!?! Who knows. Depends if God texts me back first.
Considering this ridiculous schedule I've planned out for myself, it's v. unnerving indeed that I'm sat here not actually getting any work done for Tuesday & Friday. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 24th, 2007|08:16 pm] |
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Who in the fuck am I kidding. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 24th, 2007|08:11 am] |
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| | okay | ] |
 
 
  
Me is a lonely place to be on a Thursday morning. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2007|08:17 am] |
♥ The Deep Thinkers that we are: the Love is always, always contingent.
Last night was tres parfait. To have someone see so deeply into yourself is the metaphysical equivalent of having a lover eat sashimi off your naked body. While discussing philosophy, obviously. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2007|03:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
Having said that, I should stop bloody tempting fate. So... Here's my plan of action:
1. Work
2. Stop tempting fate
3. Become a nun |
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| Tuesday beats Friday this week |
[May. 21st, 2007|08:09 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
I can't wait to see him tomorrow night, the infatuation is rising up in me & arresting my mental capacities.
Not sure whether I'm glad or annoyed that my next exam's not till 29 May -- leaves me precious little to prepare for dreaded political philosophy on 1 June, & I can feel the momentum already being lost, but the amount I've slept over the weekend's been some indicator of how drained comparative politics left me.
For today -- work at a Primary School HEAD on-campus in less than an hour, which I'm really not looking forward to as it'll completely knacker me for the rest of the day (which again means no progress on exam prep), but I keep reassuring myself there'll be plenty of time. There isn't plenty, there is some, but until I regain some semblance of common sense, I'm going to be living the rest of my life a whiter shade of pale with my rose-tinted lust glasses firmly planted on. |
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| Prima facie |
[May. 17th, 2007|01:58 am] |
Henceforth, this will be my first port of call before I resort to callous, unreceptive ears.
xx |
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